1/9/11

Why must we bring demons home

shedding the light as if it were skin

deep inside we can feel it

Do we forget to begin?

Stretching past the age of steam 

in to modernism

creating all that feeds or force

an all source

this time

Why keep continuing in the circles...

your burdens speak routine 

your hands fold

come and collect all that you need

We're still standing here

our faces drawn to simpler fears

we crave 

we stain the faces

we become free

morning glory

Whoever thought that thoughts could damage
that reason is so blind it cuts with knives
purging your mind is a sacrafice
save us all and end this night

burden the others with your pity
leave the sympathy at home
I wake up everymorning
going,
but wishing I was at home

remembering what's there
believing in what I believe
how stands your vibrations, when your pissed at me?

remind and rewind the senses
take them to places of long ago
burn the memory of the hated
let all the shit just go
stand fight together
out foreign brethern no foes
help as we discover
life's brutal undertow

let us not battle
for we are one
the only one I know...

back at it again....

Well seeing as it was january 31 the last time I had an entry I figured I might as well add something new.
Nothing much has changed in life at the moment. Things at work are muuuuuuch better than they were the last time I wrote. I also had hernia surgery a few months ago... which was not fun. Eleanore is getting so big, it amazes me the stuff she pops off with... Jo and I are great. My little brother went to jail... well both of them did but for totally different reasons. I just wish they would grow up already... it is ridiculous of them for what each of them were in for... grnated Tony was only in there for like 3 days... and billy well it has been 6 months so far...

Things are good... going to try and learn Java script startin very soon... I figure any jump start I have on college will be to my benefit... so off I go later me.

The pheonix rises only to be shot in the head and drown in a sea of lies.

1/30/2010




Why is it that no one listens though they know you are right? Is it because you or I am the ones saying to them this is wrong or this is right? Do people get a complex when faced with the fact that maybe someone else outside the box and situation understands it a little clearer?



This all started a few days ago. My mom’s current husband was picked up by the police for non-payment of back child support (old payment he missed). Come to find out the money was taken from their taxes, but he was still picked up. Upon arresting him he is busted with a minimal amount of pot and a pipe on him. So, the guy is an idiot. My mom tells me the situation and how “DONE, SHE IS WITH HIM AND HE IS NEVER COMING BACK INTO HER LIFE”. Well, though I rarely believe here in situations like these, I begin to agree that this should be the last straw and he should.



On the 29th of this month (January) my mom is heading to the local WAL:-MART to help my little brother and his girlfriend get some groceries, when they get a phone call. “YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE”, they rush home to see her house in flames. The only conclusion they had was that one of the animals knocked over the electric space heater and started it. She lost everything, one of her cats and her dog. Things looked pretty grim. Not forgetting here as I forgot to add that her so-called husband has been not paying the mortgage for 3 months after she gave him the money to do so, his mom bails him out and he is now sitting with her, together, like always. I knew it. I knew she wouldn’t last. I figured more than a day though. I thought he’d be in there for atleast a bit longer.\



Anyway, she tells me that he is out so he can help her!!! Help her? Like he did paying the house payment? Or how he helped by sneaking out and smoking pot and getting drunk constantly? He is a selfish bastard who has used her from the start. She never listensto me on things with him. She says she loves him, and I get these ridiculous speeches about how you can’t choose who you fall in love with. BULL SHIT! Ok granted I know your heart will do as it pleases, but at some point you need to wake up and realize that you are co-dependant, have never lived alone and it kills you thinking about it. I know this because in some ways it has rubbed off on me. He could have beat her retarded nd she would still be there holding his hand saying: ”he didn’t mean it”. I have tried so hard in my life better myself. To set my self goals and meet them. All I want is to be proud of where I come from. But all that happens time and time again is nothing but disgrace. I love her with all my heart, but ties are soon to be cut.

oh the agony... or is that empathy?

Well, today like all days flew by  like there was no end to it. I hate the first nightshift in a set of 4. Mostly because I miss my family. When I am home I am asleep. Tomorrow will be differant because Noir has Ballet. I can't wait. It is so awesome seeing her dancing, or better yet seeing her be silly on stage with her friends. Life is not to bad other than my usual complaining of work. So for now I will leave you with that is that... Love you Jo and Noir... see you soon.

Jimi

1/20/10

Well today has been a decent one. Jo had her Dr. appointment and Noir and I made a day of it together. But then reality sits in and reminds me of the dreaded nightshifts that lay before me. though not to bad as no one bothers me, it is redundant work and I miss my family more and more. Tomorrow night is my last of 4 shifts.

Today I heard that there will be a new set of positions opening up in a differant area up here. It will pay the same and only be 10hr dayshifts at 4 a week. I think I can cut that. Not only does it give me 2 extra vaca days (due to the 10hr shifts and not 12hr( but in turn I will be hom ewhile the sun is still shining and be hopefuly not as tired if I take one. I will have to wait and see what the future holds for me. If I take it it would be wonderful... but that decision is not just up to me.

So, hopefully we get our temple set into place so we can advance in our understandings of ourselves. I think that deciding to jin will make our lives better as a family... we will see. well that is all for now...

En.Ki

1/18/10

Well I have entered work with a really odd overwhelming feeling. Seems things are just a tad out of place with me today. Nothing out of the ordinary happened? So, jI am not sure what the fuss is all about. I did have horrible back pains lastnight. We need a new bed ever so badly. all i did was toss and turn. Finally, around 6 this morning I took one of my last muscle relaxers to kinda help with the back pains and with getting back to sleep. Well, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was so lazy. Don't get me wrong it was great to be that relaxed but it seems that all I wanted to do was lay down and nap. Well I think this overt laziness has caused a tad bit of anxiety for me tonight on my first night shift.

I will already be glad when these 4 nights are over. Then I am back to being at home for a six day stretch. Well, of course then I come back for even more night shifts but, you can't win them all. I did have a coffee drink with like 2 shots of espresso so maybe that has been battling the muscle relaxer. This causing a bit of unneeded and unwanted anxiety. I have been trying to get my shit together. Not just with work but also with life in general. I think we are going to join the Temple we have been wanting to join soon. Maybe some meditation and understanding of myself and the world and energies around me will help me to attain some sort of logic with myself. Who knows, but I am honestly glad Jo has decided to give it a try.

Eleanore, my littlest love seemd to be stuck on this mom and dad kick. She doesn't want to leave oursides. It kinda scares me because I know I have co-dependancy issues. All of this passes down from my own mom, derived from who knows what. All in all we are a happy family. Things between Jo and I are great. Every couple has there flaws, it is just your ability to embrace them that really matters.

In my mission to figure out who I am and what I stand for I have contacted an old friend. Dr. Dan Burisch. Though he drives Jo nuts she understands my need to have the chaoticness of governement conspiracies going on around me. All I want is to be who I am. Not who I used to be or am currently trying to be. I want to find the me that is inside of me. I know I can be a happy camper, because I used to be. So much shit in my life has happened. Most of it when I was a kid. Reliving this memories hurt mroe than anything, but they also give me something to strive to be better than for my own family. I just hope I am doing all that I can to secure our own future as that is all that matters to me.

I really think Iam going to start councelling with Jo. I mean we do not have to have the same person or even at the same time but I think letting go of some of this built up shit will help me in the long run. I really need to be on this path of self discovery. I need to feel like the decisions I make are my own, and they are made with my families best interest at heart.

I won't go into the details of work. I think I have written enough about the situations here. I think that I need to be off this crew and that I need to be in a place I am comfortable with. I need to live with-in my own means and contain myself there with-in. This blog is a great tool when I get off my ass and use it as such. I know at the moment no one reads this and I am fine with that. It is a great release for myself. A venting of rants, or maybe even a rant induced venting session. Either way, hopefully I will use this to my advantage and start making a differance in my own life so my family can florish, because they are who I am, and who I am is me.

En.Ki

A moment of recollection

It is so amazing that some people are in our lives for the better. I mean we all have those people that are there and slowly fade away. Like the people you see in the store whom you know you went to middle school with but, you shy away from saying "Hey, I remmeber you we went to _______ together". We all have those. We also all have those who are in our lives to teach us things, though at the time and maybe for years after we never catch on until one day it hits us.

Then there are the people in our lives who we meet, fall in love with, and marry, who we figure out one day that this person though we have taken our vows and planne dour lives together really is someone who belongs in your life. My wife, my beautiful, beautiful wife got this recognition from me today. I drive 30 - 45 minutes to work. On this day I did nothing but listen to a song that reminded me of her, on repeat the whole way. A song by someone I would never listen to on my own. A genre I pretty much despise. It wasn't even the song really, it was more of the fact that she has a connection with this song. Though it is only the chorus, this song brings tears to my eyes.

Because I have decided that personal need if second only to my family and third in the line of peopel I love. I spent many years of my life hating everything and everyone in it, only to fall head over heels for someone over 4 years ago. It is funny people say they fall out of love, or that "things are differant". I think these people are in it for the wrong reasons. Our relationship started out rough. Our life together has never been perfect. Regardless, we are together and I learn more about her everyday. She is the one I will continue to adore forever. We all have our moments and our pasts loves, and lives but, what really matters is where we are right now and who we are with. It kills me to be away from my wife and daughter. They are that center I needed to find myself. I  spent so many years feeling empty, trying to find myself. Who would have known Who I am was in Colorado, wanting me to complete her. She will tell you she never wanted to be married or have children. But the light in her eyes and the smile she bares when our daughter does something she learned, is beyond explanation, as is my love for her... I don't know if you will ever see this Jo and Eleanore, but I love you both with all of my heart...

Love,
Daddy

12/17/09

Well here I go back into work again tonight. I am just cleaning the house and tidying up before I have to go... Noir is watching a movie and laying down so it is quiet here at home. Jo is still at work and by the time is off work I will be well on my way to mine. I just wish things were different. I wish we both worked day shifts all the time. This night shift thing kills me when she is working because we get NO time together at all. It is good for Noir and I because we hang out alone but I mean I miss my Jo.

Well on a lighter note I am getting Ableton 8 again and am really gonna put forth some effort in making some music.

Well that is all for now

The Tragedy of a Lonely Night (old)

Your words defy the wisdom


Imprinted on my brain

The countless foreign memories

The beating of the rain

Constantly we tremble

Beyond our moments hush

Here we stand so silent

Amidst the morning rush



But here we find the problem

The parody of it all

While I search for the beginning

The end will never stall

Holding on is useless

When time steals all things

The memories your words beckon

Becoming so strained



Listening as to hear

As my senses become drained

Struggling to feel this

As we sit inside our rain

Blending in to nature

Being out of sight

Buried are our consequences

We’ve left them for the night

We sail across these oceans

Beyond what most can see

Through exchange of bitter words

We burn our candle light

Nothing seems to hold our key

But we hold each other



I was born with nimble hands

And brittle broken fingers

Solace slips between them

And reaches for the trigger

If we find our comfort

If we find our place to be

Born again we've become

Replacing both our keys

Locks now we burden

Beyond our subtlety



Your words defy my wisdom

Imprinted on my brain

The countless foreign memories

The beating of the rain

Constantly we tremble

Beyond our moments hush

Here we stand so silent

Amidst the morning rush



Again I know I'll see you

Though this night is not for us

When morning comes

Our battles won

Another day goes by

As I lay asleep with you by my side.

12/07/09

Well the year is almost over. We actually went to a church gathering sunday. Not for the church but for the free lunch... lol. I am a Hermeticist. I went to support the mother-inlaw and for again the free lunch. It snowed like crazy today, all day. I woke up to snow and came to work with snow. We are supposed to have a snow storm for a few days. So, we will see how this all goes.

I am at PC3 station tonight. We have a guy on a vacation day. So I am the filler, the boss, and the HMI (human machine interface) operator.... YAY. Atleast I get an extra hour for it all. Well the bossing thing anyways.

Other then all this today has been a great day for me. I love it that Jo and I are IN love again. Not that our feelings ever changed but things were seriously tight there for a bit.

Well off I go.

En.Ki

another day another dollar...

So i sit here at station PC2. All I want is to be home again for a few days. Which will happen at 6pm tonight and I will finally behome for a few days with the family. Day shifts are waaaaay better than nightshifts don't get me wrong, but who doesn't want to be a millionair and only do what he/she wants all day?

So, my biggest dillema is that yes we have a new car but the other vehicle is a piece of shit so it only runs half the time and now needs a new tire or atleast a used one to get Jo to work and stuff. It needs a battery, seems it doesn't want to stay charged at all. So that is my next goal is to get that thing running for her. It is really nothing to be proud of, but it will do the job.

Today when I woke it was -15 degrees. Which is so ridiculously cold. I had my car warmed up for 15 to 20 minutes with the heat on 80degrees and it was still pretty cold in it this morning. Needless to say it was a long cold drive this morning. To go with all this I feel horrible because Jo maybe walking to work this morning. Granted it is only about 2 blocks or so from the house but it is sooooo cold.

Well I will let that be it for now... got to go


En.Ki

the day after

Well today is the day after Thanksgiving. A time when we remember how much we ate and how much more we drank than we should have. I certainly did. There isn't much going on today but some cleaning I have to do. So nothing to report.

haha...

Ha ha... today is my last day of work for 6 days... In the words of Britany Spears "Happy Turkey day ya'll"
Well even though it is my last day I am a bit hastened. I have to be in the Floater/Rover position when we return to work on the 1st. This means more enteractment with "He with whom I hate". I think it will be ok, but I have a lot of anxiety over it lol... we will just have to see how it goes when it happens. Seems he is off most of the month anyways so maybe we can make this an ok thing. We will once again see.

Well Jo is trying to get some General studies soon. She wants to do so, so that she can have her Associates in general studies before we move to Nashville in a few years... so she is gonna start this soon I hope. She wants a Psycology degree... bachleor's but pref. Masters. I plan on having 3 certifications by that time also... Soon I can take my A+ exam... then start on my Network+, and eventually my Security+ or MCDT.
Which will hopefully land me a kick ass job there in the great ole' south.

Well I am excited about being home for 6 days. I know I spent a lot of time at home being sick/hurt whatever, but man it seems i have been working alot. Even though things seem better here at work I still don't want to be here. This place is not me anymore. It has been a decent place to work and I have made a good salary but I can not wait till it is time to move on. This is technically the longest jon I have ever had so it has been a good experience in that aspect but I thikn I am done. Don't get me wrong I am not gonna just leave here, but I do plan on bettering myself when we move. This will be the last physical labor job I get. You can count on that.

Well Jo and Eleanore, and Mamie are in Summit today getting some last items for Thanksgiving. So, I sit here bored pounding away on my keyboard and doing redundant checks on equipment. But I had better leave this be for now. Wish me luck for my triumphant return on the 1st. Though I will blog before then...

En.Ki

11/21/09...

So, here I am again bored as hell at work... I am bored because shit just ogt up and running so there isn't much to do as of yet. I have today and 3 more days then I am on longchange aka 6 days off. There isn't much to talk about... nothing much has been going on. But I try to make an effort to post when I can regardless of what... Gotta do my journal thing. Well maybe I will update more later...

the last nightshift... well for now

Well, as I sit here at work I feel relieved that this is the last night shift for awhile. Though it has only been 2 nights it is good to know I have 4 days shifts (starting Saturday) then back to long change (6days off). All in all I can't beat my job. I work 15 days a month and that's it. They are spread out a bit but i get alot of days off. Things here have calmed themselves to the point I come here, work , then go home with none of it on my chest. I know this doesn't make for a good ranting blog but it does make life a bit easier.

There has been so much change lately. From a new car, to just peacefulness all around. I can't wait till I have long change to be with my family. I really hate not being there for Noir. She needs her space as well as
I do, but it is so great to be around her. She always has a mile on her face. Unless she is in trouble lol.
Jo is wonderful. We have had some recent issues but I think they are over with now. I have been trying to put forth a better effort to show my concern about what is going on with her. So I think things are calming. At least for now. Well I had best go...

En.Ki

Resurrection (beyond loving you){old}

in time we shall be born again


in retrospect will I be there holding your hand

will the shade of what we used to be

be there to tell us the part

will we bare remenants of... we



crying

this newborn

the night of tales

as we desend upon our rose

the thorns we must bare

a pain we must...



in time we shall be born again

in respect will I be there

will the heart of what we used to be

be there to show us our part

will we bare the reminders of... us



dying

this time of sand

the tales of night

as we descend upon our thorne

the thorns we must bare

a pain we must share



tell me of your memories

as I pretend to never know

this bleeding head of unforgiving

this lie I can't stand

tell me of your daydreams

of how we used to be

in time we shall be born again

baring fruit for this tree...



may we...

Beyond... (old)

carry me on


beyond the waves

beyond the stars

relive the pain of yesterday

as I begin to swell again

the bending of the rain to spare me

the lifeless me

the timeless me



I carry on the ways

to send the moon it's faults

I end up staring

at crators that I dug myself

holes that hold my cries

filling my eyes...

with each syllable...

I die.



beyond the thoughts

of nothing left

swelling carries a different breathe

then I

then I feel



just then

I soak it up

the demon in my head

this shallow cup

begins to spill

none of this is real

Sleep to Dream (old)

words bury their face here


they dig holes as deep as I

they hide from eyes

they sings lullabies

they speak me to sleep



in my heart of hearts

in the depths of my soul

carelessly we show our faces

when all we wanted was

so alone



bleed my eyes

let the day go astray

sift through the labyrinth

as we find our way

as we begin to fade

singing

and crying our way home



why does this end

the courage I feel

why does it matter

the day of today

sing your solemn lullaby

so I may drift away



words they bury their face here

they dig holes as deep as I

they hide from eyes

they sing lullabies

they speak me to sleep

you whisper me to dreams...



sleep well my love...

They Forget to be (old)

safely


within sanctity

I pleed

fleeing the mess

the eventual caress

of the nightly angel of death



days divide our senses

seperate they begin to bleed

desolate once returned

they forget to be



the light is blinding

the sounds do deafen

this is not where we come from

nor' is it where we've been

can we take this back?

the loss of all senses

the loss of sanity



nights they try

to regain our calls

the rythmn of the wind

as snow begins to fall

in this wasteland we call home



this is not where we come from

nor' is it where we've been

laying sinning on the bed

slitting the slivers of a masocast

to adore you

holding it in

we lie here on our backs

reincarnate our souls



days divide our senses

seperate they begin to bleed

desolate once returned

they forget to be