Well I have entered work with a really odd overwhelming feeling. Seems things are just a tad out of place with me today. Nothing out of the ordinary happened? So, jI am not sure what the fuss is all about. I did have horrible back pains lastnight. We need a new bed ever so badly. all i did was toss and turn. Finally, around 6 this morning I took one of my last muscle relaxers to kinda help with the back pains and with getting back to sleep. Well, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was so lazy. Don't get me wrong it was great to be that relaxed but it seems that all I wanted to do was lay down and nap. Well I think this overt laziness has caused a tad bit of anxiety for me tonight on my first night shift.
I will already be glad when these 4 nights are over. Then I am back to being at home for a six day stretch. Well, of course then I come back for even more night shifts but, you can't win them all. I did have a coffee drink with like 2 shots of espresso so maybe that has been battling the muscle relaxer. This causing a bit of unneeded and unwanted anxiety. I have been trying to get my shit together. Not just with work but also with life in general. I think we are going to join the Temple we have been wanting to join soon. Maybe some meditation and understanding of myself and the world and energies around me will help me to attain some sort of logic with myself. Who knows, but I am honestly glad Jo has decided to give it a try.
Eleanore, my littlest love seemd to be stuck on this mom and dad kick. She doesn't want to leave oursides. It kinda scares me because I know I have co-dependancy issues. All of this passes down from my own mom, derived from who knows what. All in all we are a happy family. Things between Jo and I are great. Every couple has there flaws, it is just your ability to embrace them that really matters.
In my mission to figure out who I am and what I stand for I have contacted an old friend. Dr. Dan Burisch. Though he drives Jo nuts she understands my need to have the chaoticness of governement conspiracies going on around me. All I want is to be who I am. Not who I used to be or am currently trying to be. I want to find the me that is inside of me. I know I can be a happy camper, because I used to be. So much shit in my life has happened. Most of it when I was a kid. Reliving this memories hurt mroe than anything, but they also give me something to strive to be better than for my own family. I just hope I am doing all that I can to secure our own future as that is all that matters to me.
I really think Iam going to start councelling with Jo. I mean we do not have to have the same person or even at the same time but I think letting go of some of this built up shit will help me in the long run. I really need to be on this path of self discovery. I need to feel like the decisions I make are my own, and they are made with my families best interest at heart.
I won't go into the details of work. I think I have written enough about the situations here. I think that I need to be off this crew and that I need to be in a place I am comfortable with. I need to live with-in my own means and contain myself there with-in. This blog is a great tool when I get off my ass and use it as such. I know at the moment no one reads this and I am fine with that. It is a great release for myself. A venting of rants, or maybe even a rant induced venting session. Either way, hopefully I will use this to my advantage and start making a differance in my own life so my family can florish, because they are who I am, and who I am is me.
En.Ki
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